There are places I'll remember all my life even though some have changed. Some forever not for better, some have gone, and some remain. All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living, but in my life I've loved them all. ♥
I’d be lying if I said I don’t still miss you. But I’ll have you know that I am getting increasingly better with the idea of knowing that I don’t have to and nor do I want to anymore. Let’s say in some small universe, you happen to come across this post even though highly doubtful, I want you to know that this isn’t some passive aggressive scramble of words for some mediocre last chance to redeem you back into my life. I want to wish you well, and I do of course. But at the same time, I want to stop missing you.
As the time goes by, the frequent checks to your Facebook page that keep me on the edge of me seat because I am dying to know what’s new in your life, will get a fraction smaller until they eventually reach an occasional - “Oh, I wonder what he has been up to? - creeping. And hopefully by that time, I will be at a point in my life where I am strong enough to look through your page and not feel a tinge of jealously when some girl writes on your wall.
But as for right now, please let me get to that point before you so graciously decide to bombard my phone with pictures/texts that remind me of past memories we had together and how you indeed miss me too
I want to remember the fear, I want to remember the promise, I want to remember the nights I wanted to curl up in a ball, I want to remember the people I’m not supposed to remember, I want to remember not knowing myself, I want to remember the moment I started to feel safe and like this life I’m leading is really mine. I’m going to be scared, I’m going to bruise my knees and not know how they got there, I’m going to try to fruitlessly forge a connection with someone who won’t ever get it, I’m going to lose the person that means the most to me and find my way back to them. I’m going to be a twenty-something because that’s what I am and all I know how to be. And you should too. You should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are you’ll miss it before you even get to say “I’m 30.”
Lately, I have kind of been wondering what roadblock is blocking me from being happy. Now I don’t mean that I am not happy. In fact, I am more satisfied then the magic, rainbows, butterflies everything is awesome happy. And maybe this is because I am not a substance abuser or maybe it’s because I am in some ways my own roadblock to that happiness.
I think the first thing that tips me off is the good ol’ Facebook. I am constantly bombarded with photos and statuses that scream “I am living the best life ever”. or “My life is so awesome, even my meals need documenting”! Now although I am not so quick to Share every second of my life experience with the entirety of the Facebook friends but it does make me wonder if I missed something down the line. Should I be living this magical, butterflies, rainbow-y kind of life? Or do I already have it right by being satisfied where I am?
Maybe I am a little bored…OK I have to admit maybe I’m A LOT bored. Or maybe I am just so fixated on playing everything by the proper rules and regulations that I feel I must follow to make the best of my life.But regardless I still feel like something’s missing. I mean what is being the best you can be? What is living the so-called best life? All I know is that we want the same for our loved ones, our friends and our family. Its something we want everyone to aspire to yet we fear losing them if they change who they are in the process.
Being the best you can be is just being able to be real with yourself and others. It’s being able ti acknowledge what is holding you back from being happy. Whether is it a relationship that no longer serves you, a friendship that is more take&take then give&take or yourself when you fail to realize all the accomplishments that you have achieved. And maybe the secret of living this magical, rainbow-y and butterfly life is locked behind your fear of not being good enough. That pot of gold aka the courage to embrace yourself for what you are is being the best you can be. And while that best may require a tune-up or two down the road we can choose to accept the outcome of scary-yet-brave decisions we have made and appreciate the people who have stuck by us through those tough times. Maybe i am just talking nonsense, or maybe I’m several months early for St.Patrick’s Day Spirit but I do know that I choose to accept.
We all get to that point in time where we reel ourselves in for a big change. For many people it’s the beginning and end of a year or after a tragedy. Who said change couldn’t happen spontaneously?
I’ve never been a spontaneous person really, and that is something I’d love to change. And after hours of careful consideration, long nights of thinking and daunting over the simplest of things, I arrive at the decisions that make up my life. I guess in a way all this time I spend over-analyzing my life puts my life on hold. As we grow older and begin to find our place in this world we are bombareded with quotes from all the great writers and artists that life is short and you should just live it. But, for me I never really stopped reading in time to take any one of these quotes at face value.
I want to start living without putting my life on hold. I want to stop waiting for second, third and fourth chances to come around and take the first one with no regrets. I want a stain of confidence so big that it’s impossible to wash out.
This may not be the beginning of a new decade, millennium or the end of a terrible tragedy. But I can assure you, it’s the beginning of a new me. I need to know how it feels to finally just be happy, instead of looking for it between the lines. I need to learn to re-simplify things to just a simple yes or no. But most of all I want to be able to spell the word life eyes closed, and backwards, upside down because I know I’m living it.